I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
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He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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