When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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