I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I'm too high and old for this...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize