I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
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Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
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According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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