tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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