I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Enjoy the penises
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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