His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
My cat gives me a boner
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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