Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
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