for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
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Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
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We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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