My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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