I'm eating all of the evidence.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
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After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
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Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I have fence marks all over my body
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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