Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
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There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
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Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
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