i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
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I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
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Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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