the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
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to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
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I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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