he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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