some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
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The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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