made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize