Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize