That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
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If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
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Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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