My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize