I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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