On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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