dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
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I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
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I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
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