Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
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Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
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Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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