i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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