you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
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I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
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In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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