I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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