remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize