ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
wanna go halves on a baby?
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
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i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
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You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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