She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
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