It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
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how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
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How external is "for external use only"?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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