Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
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Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
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The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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