Will you blow on my dice?
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize