coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
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The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
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Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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