I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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