Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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