Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
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You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
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I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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