I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
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It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
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I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
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so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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