Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
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Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
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Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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