Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
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Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
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Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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