No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
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beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
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We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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