How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
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