I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
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I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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