yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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