The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
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sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
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it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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