She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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