I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
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There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
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there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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