im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize