smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
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I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
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Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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