Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
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he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
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Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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